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Me and BDSM

Contents (links within this page only):
Me personally
Our exploration of BDSM - how we started
Wanna experience a BDSM munch? How to organize one.

One morning, I sat in front of my computer, contemplating the following question: "What will the visitors to these pages learn about me?" What was the reason for me to create these pages? I wished to provide others with useful advice or information. There is not much information on BDSM in Czech. Therefore, I started to translate BDSM related articles and stories from English. The reactions were warm, though not overwhelmingly frequent. I have met several friends online, and our relationships changed to RL later, but I know that there are many more readers who will never contact me. They will never ask me: who are you, what are you trying to achieve, what have you achieved already...

From my readers' reactions, the visitors to this page think that I'm very experienced BDSMer. Therefore, you are shy to suppose what else, what topics or articles I should translate and publish. I hope that the following paragraphs will reveal my true self, thus allowing you, my readers, to forget your fears and contact me.

I have started these pages in June, 1999. What were my experiences at the time? As far as computers are concerned, I had worked as a network administrator for 4 years. As far as my wife is concerned, we had met 10 years ago (we are both 27 now). We were both virgins when we met.

Contrary to the experience of my friends, who realized their BDSM orientation in early youth (e.g. they did self-bondage or played various games with their fellow children), my interest in BDSM awakened after I was 20. It began with slight hints and thoughts: could there be more to ordinary sex, marriage, could there be a different level of trust and devotion, could a relationship of two people reach new heights? Add common hints in the films, literature etc. and you will imagine how I felt. In the beginning, I did not fantasize about a "lifestyle". My fantasies were limited. Should I tell my wife that she could do this or that to please me? Wouldn't it be nice to find out what pleases her?

Now, BDSM is much more for me than a mere foreplay. Intercourse can be involved, but is not necessary. I like to inflict pain and I like to feel it myself as well. Physical level (SM) play is pleasurable for me (be it pleasant - e.g. stroking, tickling - or painful - e.g. heavy bondage, whipping). The "suffering" partner must like the stimulation - this is crucial for me. If she (I) like(s) it, there is no suffering, but pleasure.

For me, BDSM is beyond mere physical level (your mileage may vary, as my wife's varies as well - she likes pain much more than I am comfortable with delivering). The power over the partner, or the partner's power over me are like a drug - it makes me shake, it makes me dizzy and the feelings take long time to subside. It is a powerful emotion you feel when the partner reacts to your orders, instructions and hints. On the other hand, in the subspace, you know not who you are, you have only vague idea what is happening to you, you do not know what comes next. You feel your partner's presence, voice, touch... The "scene" can be short, but the feeling remain - you feel that you belong to each other, you remember what you did for her, what she did for you, the feeling's just great. BDSM can be easeful - it makes you composed, full. Of course, if you are totally empty, BDSM is not enough to fill you. See for yourself, just go and try it, and you will find that BDSM is not enough for a relationship. If you do not love your partner and most of all, if you do not trust him, "scenes" (at least the heavy ones) are not possible. If you are not aiming at lifetime faithfullness and devotion to your partner, you can laugh at me. On the other hand, you may not know what you are missing. (Once again, I do not say that I am right and everyone else is wrong. See for yourself what works for you. There is no sublime judge.)

I started to imagine that there is something called BDSM in 1997. I bought a flogger (since that time, I manufacture all toys myself, see Build you own toys section. It was a Christmas present for my wife. It was a joke, for most part, at least I wished it to look that way. When my wife unpacked the present, I commented: "Well, when I f**k up, you can spank me like my mom did." (however, at that time, I already knew that I was planning to spank her, not of hatred, but for pleasure. I hoped that she would like it as much as I knew I would.). The good part: my wife did not leave me, nor she called the police (some of you asked me in your mails for advice how to reveal your interest in BDSM to your partner. Many of you fear refusal or worse). However, please keep in mind that I did not press - I did not want to risk ruining our relationship. We put the flogger to the nightstand and left it there.

It did not take long to find out that we share the liking for the smell of leather. From there, it took no time to caressing my wife's body with the flogger (no whipping yet!). After some time, I proposed tying the partner. I tied her, she tied me. It was quite easy to take two pieces of rope, 5 feet each, to fit snap hooks to the ends, and to slip the ropes under the mattress. No permanent bed modification, no fuss, but it worked. I made thin leather cuffs - no heavy buckles, only two pairs of strings to be tied to close the cuffs. I wanted to make it clear that the "bottom" can get out anytime. Easily.

I would call this our first "scene". We both liked it. When you tie your partner, even lightly, he/she becomes "at your mercy" and this frequently breaks the hidden blocks. I think that many women do not enjoy the sex because they were taught that it is "evil". Light, symbolic bondage, is liberating. The women "cannot resist" and her reactions can be much wilder than usual. Of course, I cannot guarantee miracles overnight, but it worked for us: I even "forced" my wife to switch roles: imagine that you wrapp youself up with rope on a suitable occasion (e.g. her birthday) and call her to unpack her present (after enjoying a dinner at a table decorated with candles). Or let her let you tied up... It worked for us, although it happened in a different way. It happened five years earlier (1992) - we were arguing for some time and I tried to calm my wife down by catering to her every whim during one special day, offering myself to her in the evening. At the time, even I had no idea what BDSM was about. However, I had some inclination (my wife had not, I have asked her right now as I am typing this) and I think that I had been unconsciously testing her attitude. Please mention the dates: the first hint (1992), the purchase of our first toy (1997), first role switching (1998). It all developed very slowly, as I had no internet connection at the time and I knew no other BDSMers (we live in a small town).

Our pace increased in 1998. I started to search advice, recommendations and RL experience of others on the internet. Commercial servers did only limited service to me, but personal pages of other BDSMers influenced me heavily. They encouraged me to go further. I started to translate some articles to Czech, first for myself, then for my wife. We spent many evening in front of the computer, me reading the text, she listening. We explored the world of BDSM, first in theory, as we did not introduced any BDSM practices to our bedroom..

In the end of 1998, we started with the physical aspects. The psychological BDSM was not anywhere in sight. We indulged in light spanking (using bare hand or a ruler), light bondage and some dirty talk (at the time, I would not call it humiliation) during the lovemaking. Later, we moved to our own house (with a cellar :-). We started to read more and more explicit stories, including complete "scene scripts". We talked and talked and discovered the physical side of BDSM. We explored the likes and loves of the other. In the beginning of 1999, we started to furnish our dungeon (see Build your own SM toys). I started to make additional toys, I translated some very insightful articles, e.g. the famous s.s.b-b FAQ, and our first true "scenes" started..

In Feb-Mar 1999, I contacted Radomir, first BDSMer we met in RL. We exchanged some e-mails and I invited him to our house. We have talked and talked on our first two meetings. Radomir was submissive and it was clear that he would like to be dominated by my wife (which was submissive at the time, and I wanted to change her attitude to include domination). We walked out several times, they were out alone several times, or they went to the dungeon. After several scenes, my wife felt remorseful (she thought that she was unfaithful to me, even though I opposed her self inculpation - well, maybe I did not control myself fully, but my jealousy was not the real problem). Radomir wanted more and more. He was unsatisfiable - our relationship failed..

Later, we met Harius and his wife. They live a life similar to ours. We have met several times, we exchange e-mails regularly. Meeting people or correspondence with kindred people gives you self confidence. In May 1999, I posted the first of my translations to first Czech non-commercial BDSM server. I would like to thank Rider, his owner and webmaster, for the opportunity to publish. Moreover, I met other contributors of the server. Rider organized two meetings of "editors" in Prague, in Aug-Sep 1999. I met several interesting people at these meetings.

The meetings suggested that I could contact kindred people by a) communicating with them using the internet (however, this is not enough for me, I want to meet people RL) or b) organizing a munch at our house. I had contemplated the possibility for a long time, but the meetings of the "editors" convinced me...

In Sep-Aug 1999, I organized two munches. What were they like? The record of events which occurred during the first munch follows:

Saturday, 3.30 p.m. Two couples arrived (after some technical difficulties, the munch should have started at 3.00 p.m., but in the end, we met, and that is what counts). A brief talk, discussion of who encountered what in the past, during the past weeks, on the way... We had known one couple, while the other was unknown to us. SMS came from two other couples - bad luck, maybe next time.
We had bad weather for the previous 14 days, therefore we had a meal cooked for all attendants. However, the weather cleared and we went to the town to buy some sausaged. On the way to the town, the discussion was held 4+2 or 2+2+2. Having the sausages bought and seen the historical town center, we went home.
Saturday, 6.30 p.m.We had a b.b.q. with some drinks. We started late, it was dark already, and we stayed near the fire until it got rather cold, at 9.30 p.m. Although we were sitting "in the open", the discusion was randomly on- and off-BDSM. No one forced others to talk something or to do something.
Saturday, 10.00 p.m.The fire extinguished, we went back to the house (cellar, i.e. playroom). More talk, I do not remember the topic, but it surely touched the cross at the wall and the toys hanging on the walls. However, there were other topics as well. Later, we went upstairs to the living room, ate some snacks, the pre-cooked meal (it came handy), some drinks (mostly alcohol-free).
Sunday, 5.00 a.m.The first couple hits the sack. Others talk and talk. The discussion ends with the sunrise. Everyone sleeps now.
Sunday, 10.00 a.m.The sleep is over, two couples meet in one of the bedrooms and have more talk (nothing else :-). The third couple uses the opportunity to return to the playroom in the cellar. It was a very intensive scene, as I have been told later. It lasted 90 minutes.
Sunday, 11.30 a.m.The two couples leave the bedroom and prepare a breakfast. The third couple returns from the playroom. There is some more talk, darts are played. We discuss what was good, what has to change, what the next munch will look like. At around 2.00 p.m., we part. E-mails are exchanged suggesting the next munch.

As you see, no orgies, no public scenes, just a friedly meeting. Of course, everyone was free to "torture" his/her partner in the privacy of his bedroom. A final note on the second munch - three more people came, one couple presented a bondage scene, but there were also some bad feelings. I think that the other couples were hot to start their scenes, but they had no experience and were shy (the couple doing the bondage was much more experienced than the others). Therefore, let's see what will the next munch bring. Maybe things will get easier when there are only us (me and my wife) and the experienced couple. It seems rational to define the hard limits in advance and then .... jump into it.

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